Victim or Warrior


So if you’ve never been pregnant (and you happen to be me) the only concerns you may have when becoming pregnant are:  morning sickness, stretch marks, that you shouldn’t ride a bike or surf or other fun activities like that, weight gain, and the fact that at some point the baby has to exit through there.  I didn’t “know” there were other concerns.  There’s actually a lot that can happen to you.  And the internet and friend/foe pregnancy books depending on interpretation/application of the information can be to your mental benefit or detriment.  Lol!

But oh buddy, something happened to my lower left back . . . and with perfect timing . . . before the plane ride back to California.

I’m not a crier, this isn’t me puffing out my chest to say I’m tough (although, yes I am), I just don’t normally have physical pain that makes me cry.  But this pain brought tears, the silent kind that roll out in numbers.  Every time I took a step with my left leg it felt as if a long 8 inch needle was being stabbed into my back lightening fast and several times.  Relief from tylenol, ice packs, heat, etc., was non-existent.  I was praying and the line seemed busy.

And my thoughts were, ‘God why aren’t you helping me, what did I do, why are You allowing this to happen to me?’  Hear the blame?  Hear the victim?  There were more thoughts too such as, ‘I wonder if someone could knock me out without breaking my jaw,’ ‘too bad alcohol is a no go, I’d drink enough bourbon to pass out until tomorrow,’ and ‘I hope labor is easier than this.’

We made our way through the airport, our connection flight, and my husband got me a wheel chair, because it was that serious.

Finally at home with an ice pack and laying on the couch not moving there was a slight bit of comfort.  I fell asleep as dressed, and waited as long as possible before getting up to tinkle the next morning.  I was dreading moving.

The next day, pain still there, not as intense, but still I was wincing with every movement.  My prayers continued with a touch of bitterness.  And then, a new thought entered, ‘could this be an attack from the devil?’  I don’t usually get upset, but with the enemy, I have no use for toleration, as he has no use for mercy or goodness.

Now, you may be thinking ‘Courtney, some things are just part of pregnancy.’  And yes possibly, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and this was to learn a much deeper lesson.

The moment I thought of this situation as an attack from the enemy, versus some punishment from God Who loves me, sadness vanished, and anger appeared.  I was no longer believing the lie that the Lord is against me and isn’t helping me, but that He was for me and my healing.  My resting on the couch changed from resting from defeat, to resting to recover.  Instead of my face wincing in pain with each step, I began to clench my jaws in determination.  Then you know you’re on new level of battle when you start speaking scriptures out loud.  Some problems you have to speak to.

How many other times have I blamed God (or someone else) when something bad was happening or not going the way I wanted?  Accepting the circumstances versus taking responsibility and power to change the circumstances.  If you think you are powerless in your situation, you’re wrong.  Do not accept defeat.

There are examples for us to look to.   My friend talked to me about Peter walking on water.  Jesus said for him to come, Jesus didn’t say he was going to keep all the water still (everything easy).  Think of those waves as circumstances, if you start looking at the circumstances you’ll sink, keep your eyes on Jesus, you’ll walk on water.

And then, I thought about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  Thrown into an oven for refusing to bow to anyone/anything besides the Lord.  Here they were standing for the Lord, and now being thrown in an oven.  Personally, I marvel at their courage.

“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, ‘O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.’” – Daniel 3:16-18

They’re not blaming God for being thrown into an oven (unfortunate circumstance).  I’m pretty sure, I would’ve been talking to Heaven, “Now, Lord I was sticking up for you, and now Nebuchadnezzar wants to throw me in an oven . . . so um . . . not fair . . . I’m not really cool with. . . and I think you should come get me out of this like NOW and attack him!” (Just in case God needed some help/direction with how to help me.)

They knew they were standing on the truth, trusting God, obeying the word, and ready to die for it.  It also seems they understood that this world is not always fair or right, but trusting the One Who can make things right, and that their lives were not their own to cling to.  To trust God without blame, whether He allows your situation to persist or change that takes courage.  And if you haven’t read the story check it out Daniel 3.  God allowed them to be placed into the furnace, turned up 7 times hotter than normal, and God was with them in the furnace.  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednago all came out alive, untouched from the flames, with a testimony, and Nebuchadnezzar a believer in their God.  So, if you’re in a battle that seems impossible, I’d say take courage, and you’re in a good position for a testimony.

Trust God or trust your circumstances.  Choose one, you can not do both.  Your choices tell us more about you, than your abilities (dormant/active).

By the time Derrick was taking me to my first prenatal massage, I was walking without a limp.

And the next day, I woke up almost as if nothing had ever happened.  And a little more than a week later, I can tell something is different (not about my back it’s better), but about me on the inside, growth, and that’s a good thing.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-4

“But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” – Matthew 19:26

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31

“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11

“Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them.  Nothing will injure you.” – Luke 10:19

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