Where am I? Part 1


When was the last time you were lost?

My family use to go on summer vacation road trips, and this was before the Garmin, GPS, and navigation apps.  We as a family had a cell phone that was emergencies only, stay stored in Mom’s purse, and wasn’t turned on.  And this was before Travelocity and hotel booking sites.  So we’re out and about in the world with a map, highway signs, and our navigators, our parents.  Sometimes we got lost and I thought it was HILARIOUS!  I’m not sure what made me crack up about it, but it was exciting and funny.  My parents thankfully weren’t the high strung type to get frustrated about being lost, they were willingly on an adventure that had taken a wrong turn, they accepted it with a light heart and jokes.  We never had to resettle in another state due to not being able to get back home either.  Sometimes we stopped for directions or we just kept going.  The interesting part is the lost moments led us to unplanned stops that were fun or a restaurant that was delicious.  As an adult, I rarely think it’s funny to be lost, I like to “know.”

When was the last time you changed?  Change can feel like being lost, especially when it’s more/less than expected – you wanted that new job, but didn’t realize it would require 70 hours a week and put a strain on your relationships.  Even more surprising is an unexpected and unrequested change – you’re looking for a new job, because you were let go.

Motherhood spun me around dizzy, it could’ve been the sleep deprivation, no one tells you about that.  The only help I seemed to have was being raised by awesome parents, my Dad, Momma Trina (mother in law), Aunt Moni, Uncle J, Ms. Nancy, etc., and the common sense that she, my daughter, is a small tiny human, who needs what all humans need.  But us communicating about sleep or time for a shower were not topics for discussion in the beginning.  Hello wanted and unexpected changes.

When you set out on a new journey, you may have an idea of what it will require, you certainly have the moments you’re expecting and excited for, and you may have even plan for some unexpected setbacks, but there’s no way you can foresee everything.  That’d be too easy, no challenge, and no growth.

Most of us want change in some way or on some level, but rarely is it drastic to changing our day to day operations, although most changes will require that.  We want to be healthier, to make more money, have better communication in our relationship(s) with our spouse or children, etc.  And like I said there are changes we don’t expect/want: job loss, a loved one passes, an accident requiring physical therapy, a surgery, etc.

Whether we want/don’t want the change, it can be more than expected.  Change comes with challenge.

In this change and journey into motherhood for a while there seemed to be one perplexing and lost thing…me.  There didn’t seem to be room or time for me or my dreams.  My moments of excitement and relief became a 5 minute shower or a moment to paint my nails.

Being lost can make you feel desperate, grasping for the familiar, wondering if your dreams are still possible, or if you’re suppose to start going in a new direction.  Doubt and advice may flood in from all different directions and you may journey down some paths to see, is this where I’m suppose to be now?  If you’re scrambling due to fear that can be part of the journey, just do your best to be aware of it, to get a handle on the scramble.  If the search is genuine, it can still be tiring, like looking for a new job.  The job search in one moment can be exhilarating and exciting with all the potentials of what could be, but can quickly become tiring, as you’re putting in the work with little results, and you’re still searching.  The ticking clock can make you feel panic and hopeless.  The waiting can make you think how long will things be this way or is this the way things are.

Things are always changing, life is never stagnant.  Even still water becomes stale/stagnate.

Best to stay away from the thoughts of never and always, never and always are rarely true.  Thoughts such as: “You’ll never do this, because you haven’t before.  Things will always be this way, you shouldn’t want for more.”  Check who’s saying that…and by check, I mean shut them up.

Sometimes you have to give yourself the time you need to transition.  Transitioning to change takes time, trial and error, observation, and thought.  In our current culture, it’s easy to believe that your mourning of a loved one should only last 3 months and you should be back to work and normal after 2 weeks.  That’s not normal – a person as unique as a fingerprint that you were blessed enough to know, love, and hug, is no longer within your arms’ reach.  Moving too quickly can actually bring more harm, than good.  If you break a bone, pull a tendon, etc., it takes the time that it takes to heal.  So take your time to transition, and be active and helpful to yourself during the transition.  Think of change like a new pair of shoes, you have to break them in and that’s not always comfortable.  During transitions it’s helpful if you have some constants – praying, some minutes to read, exercise, community (that’s honest & helpful) etc.

And I’ve noticed that sometimes I have to say STOP to myself, when I hear myself saying no to every suggestion that could be helpful.  Make sure your reasons aren’t excuses.  It’s easier to complain and continue, than to change.  That complaining is a note to self that you want more, jealousy can be a note of what you truly want too.  You feel stuck and are saying no to options that could help you become unstuck without even giving them real consideration.  Be mindful of a closed mind.  I’m not sure if there’s anything more dangerous or elusive.

There are blessings in being lost, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the moment.  Change while constant, it’s rare that people direct the change.

“Most people would rather die miserable, than change.” – Joanne Baron

Changes while difficult, develops us.  You’re never done evolving or changing, you have several undiscovered opportunities and possibilities within you.  Stay open to the new opportunities, relationships, experiences, etc., and to your curiosities, they could be leading you to a new change.

Before getting lost, my dream in my mind was a clear path, in truth it was too specific and narrow.  My thinking had become boxed in as to which doors were open, closed, or possible.  Being lost, I started noticing other doors to knock I hadn’t noticed before and with more gusto.

It’s letting go of the”knowing,” the circumstances that’s most challenging at times.  I’m becoming less reliant on what I “know,” anymore, because things can change, but that doesn’t mean change is to your detriment.  In my case, my daughter’s birth was also my rebirth.

“God doesn’t want you to know the future.  He wants you to trust Him.” – Valorie Burton

Need some hope during the change?  If you’re lost, God is looking for you.

“So what do you think?  If a man has hundred sheep, and one has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountain and go in search of the one who went astray?  And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than the ninety-nine that never went astray.” – Matthew 18:12-13

“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” – Psalm 91:11

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Where Am I? – Part 2


  • August 22, 2018 at 12:17 pm

    Hello Ms, Courtney! It has been a while since I searched for your inspiring words. Change is truly a fact of life . . . for all of us, at every stage of our existence. I am learning the benefits of “embracing change” – as I stay prayerful and learn from past mistakes. I’ve discovered that when I embrace that change, something happens – inside of myself. If I choose to resist change of various kinds, there is a tendency to break/lose heart. By embracing the change, I feel as if I’m not in this situation alone. If I fall, I am not going down all by myself!

    Another thing that I’ve discovered – the thing(s)/changes I resist the most, are the things/changes I really need to do or have in my life!

    Keep being you, Ms. Courtney! You have such an optimistic way about you. You are truly loved in every aspect of life – wonderfully adventurous parents, supportive family and friends. Your life is one that I truly admire! May you continue to be blessed, and a blessing to others through your words of inspiration and wisdom. The Lord knows the plans He has for you . . .


  • August 22, 2018 at 8:04 pm
    Trade Tagaloa

    “Change comes with challenge.” As I read that sentence mentally I seen this, CHA-lle-NGE, meaning that change will be in the beginning and end … It’s what you do in between that matter. So the “LLE” becomes an acronym for, “Let’s Look Elsewhere.” Because the reason for change would be due to a “process” being the same, so “let’s look elsewhere,” it may be better, could be worse.
    I used to have shoulder length hair and I now have maybe an inch of it left, lol. This was a drastic but necessary change for me as it forced me to be accepting of the perfectly imperfect features of my face. In the beginning it was a challenge because it was and is so different! But this change has made me more confident. My posture has changed and my son states that I now turn my head like I’m royalty … And i simply respond, “Well I am my dear, thanks for noticing!” I’ve changed in so many ways.


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