Where Am I? – Part 2

For a long time I had been feeling frustrated and unfulfilled artistically, mainly because I’m not as successful as I want to be yet.  And if I’m honest, I was allowing my emotions of frustration to surpass and trip up my efforts for progression.  It’s hard to be at odds within yourself and expect momentum to happen.  It doesn’t.

Thankfully, I got some perspective.  Even if you are lost, chances are if you’re in the desert, you know you’re not in Alaska.  You don’t have to know where you are, to know where you’re not.

Financially, should the barista at your local coffee shop and you be on a first name basis or should you be brewing at home for that cup to go.  That’s just an example.

You may want that $6 cup of joe, but perhaps your wallet and other financial needs, need you hold back on those rewarding sips.

Anyone that knows me, knows this, I enjoy working – writing, acting, and creating.  But you can also check in with my hubby, the joke is that I don’t sit down.  The joke has quite a bit of truth, I don’t, and when I do it’s usually to read a book, write, or something that’s progressive.  I like progress and growth.  I like to get things done and there’s always something that needs to be done.  Now, this is not saying or condoning this is wise – in fact there are times that I realize that everything that’s getting done doesn’t need to be done, nor will it all ever be done.  So slow down, enjoy, rest, reward, and restore (I’m working on this…working again, whatever).  I’m working on balance and praying for wisdom on when to do and when to rest.  We want to the golden egg, but we mustn’t kill the goose.

So much of the hard part in transitioning to motherhood was the back burner that my acting and writing have taken.  It’s true, there are nights I’ve had to recite a poem or monologue in order to go to sleep.  There is a restlessness that happens inside me when I don’t act/write.  But the problem was that I felt I was missing out, running out of time, didn’t have enough time, not doing all that I’m suppose to be doing, etc., as a storyteller, because I was learning to be a mother.  I was looking for more time in the day, more energy at night, and trying to use every second in that mysterious 32 hour day (yep, I’m special and get more hours in a day than everyone else…okay I don’t).

There’s a season for everything and God knows best.  The problem was, I wasn’t in agreement/alignment with the season He has me in, until well a couple of months ago.  I wanted to be a mother and have all the time to do the new things and old things the way I use to do them.

A dear friend and I got a chance to catch up.  My friend is a working actress!  YES!!!! What every actor that moves out here is striving for.  She gave me some insight.  Most days on set are 12 hours or longer and then you have the work to do on episode 5, while you’re still shooting episode 4.  So, all she had time for was acting.

Now, a day, a week or even a few weeks on set sporadically throughout the year would be wonderful, but for years on end at this time in my life would be devastating.  Because while those 12 hours are for shooting, when do you think I would be learning the lines for the next episode, and when would I be painting with one awesome 17 month old little girl?

There’d be little time for my family.  And these are tender formative years that I can’t get back and Derrick, Haris, and Liam (who’s on his way) are far beyond more important.  They’re irreplaceable and a career without being able to spend time with them and create moments wouldn’t leave me restless, but beyond heartbroken.  Yes, I want to be successful for several reasons and one is for my family, but not at the expense of my family.

“The blessing of the LORD makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” – Proverbs 10:22

This insight immediately relieved my frustration at feeling stuck in acting and allowed me to flow with the season I’m in joyfully and gracefully.  Life has seasons and phases.

And sometimes what I think I want, isn’t what I want/need in the moment.  Like at this moment…I want a donut, I don’t need it, but I sure do want it. Lol!

And it’s possible you’re not lost at all, you could be exactly where you’re suppose to be, your attitude and perspective may need an adjustment.  Or you may be uncomfortable, which can be hard to accept given that most of time we are comfortable – A/C, heat, couches, sheets, food, conveniences, etc.  No one likes being uncomfortable.  And sometimes we’re not able to change the thermostat, but we can add a jacket, or make some hot chocolate.

Have you went to a dinner or a party with an attitude, only to get home and realize you could’ve had a better time, and then regret that you stole an opportunity from yourself and others?

Acceptance of where you are is vital to the growth, change, and even more importantly to the present moment.  You can choose your attitude in your midst of lostness, it’s possibly the way to being found.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” – Galatians 6:7-8 

“If you must keep groaning, please try to do it in a rhythm I can dance to.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

I pray we all sow good things well, and that we know contentment in all situations.

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.  I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.  I have learned to secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” – Philippians 4:11-12

More from Viktor Frankl (quotes below), if you’re interested and more on who he was.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
What is to give light must endure burning.
I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.
Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.
Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.
Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.
I recommend that the Statue of Liberty be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the west coast.
Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.

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